4/1/2013 2:40:32 AM
North Korea made good on its threat to annihilate significant US landmarks early this morning when it bombed Riverbend Landfill, a stinky, leaking dump on the South Yamhill River in Yamhill County, Oregon.
According to radio reports from the state-run [North] Korean Central News Agency monitored by US diplomatic personnel in Seoul, South Korea, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un targeted Riverbend because "Waste Management has allocated $4 million to keep the site open in the face of mounting local opposition. This must be a pretty important site to be worth that much to the world's largest sack of garbage [sic]."
US military experts estimate that bombs dropped during the three-hour midnight raid released more than 480 megatons of energy, which just happens to be the exact equivalent of the M9.0 Cascadia Subduction Zone earthquake that experts expect to occur within 50 km of the site sometime in the next 1-200 years.
The blast was so strong that the historic McPhillips farmhouse, recently vacated due to the landfill's horrid stench, was lifted from its foundation and redeposited a half-mile down Highway 18, coming to rest on land owned by Waste Management near a hazelnut farm where the landfill doesn't stink.
"We're going to leave the house there and claim adverse possession," McPhillips said. "After all, we've been paying the taxes for 150 years."
As experts had predicted, the power of the explosion caused landfill liners to deform as much as 10" at the bottom and up to 25" at the top, rupturing the gas lines and wells that criss-cross the 85-acre, 16-story tall pile of trash and sending tons of household chemical waste, plastics, and recyclables into the river.
Much of the waste and toxins are expected to reach Portland by tomorrow evening, a fate some landfill observers call fitting given that much of the waste originated there.
In a stunning policy reversal, County Commissioners and DEQ personnel initially turned down the landfill's request to immediately allow them to construct a new dump three miles to the north in downtown McMinnville on land donated by the local Chamber of Commerce.
Industry insiders say not to count Waste Management out, however. An analyst who requested anonymity because no public announcement has yet been made confided that "Waste Management is secretly grateful to the North Koreans. Riverbend might look like nothing but a 100-foot-deep hole in the ground full of river water, but the site is still zoned PWS and FEMA maps still place it outside the floodway. That hole can hold 13.5 million tons of crap, exactly what the dump held before the bombing. If WM is lucky, the Cascadia event will then wash the new pile of trash away, and they can keep the thing going another 25 years."
Landfill opponents are not amused, but hope that you are! April fool!
According to radio reports from the state-run [North] Korean Central News Agency monitored by US diplomatic personnel in Seoul, South Korea, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un targeted Riverbend because "Waste Management has allocated $4 million to keep the site open in the face of mounting local opposition. This must be a pretty important site to be worth that much to the world's largest sack of garbage [sic]."
US military experts estimate that bombs dropped during the three-hour midnight raid released more than 480 megatons of energy, which just happens to be the exact equivalent of the M9.0 Cascadia Subduction Zone earthquake that experts expect to occur within 50 km of the site sometime in the next 1-200 years.
The blast was so strong that the historic McPhillips farmhouse, recently vacated due to the landfill's horrid stench, was lifted from its foundation and redeposited a half-mile down Highway 18, coming to rest on land owned by Waste Management near a hazelnut farm where the landfill doesn't stink.
"We're going to leave the house there and claim adverse possession," McPhillips said. "After all, we've been paying the taxes for 150 years."
As experts had predicted, the power of the explosion caused landfill liners to deform as much as 10" at the bottom and up to 25" at the top, rupturing the gas lines and wells that criss-cross the 85-acre, 16-story tall pile of trash and sending tons of household chemical waste, plastics, and recyclables into the river.
Much of the waste and toxins are expected to reach Portland by tomorrow evening, a fate some landfill observers call fitting given that much of the waste originated there.
In a stunning policy reversal, County Commissioners and DEQ personnel initially turned down the landfill's request to immediately allow them to construct a new dump three miles to the north in downtown McMinnville on land donated by the local Chamber of Commerce.
Industry insiders say not to count Waste Management out, however. An analyst who requested anonymity because no public announcement has yet been made confided that "Waste Management is secretly grateful to the North Koreans. Riverbend might look like nothing but a 100-foot-deep hole in the ground full of river water, but the site is still zoned PWS and FEMA maps still place it outside the floodway. That hole can hold 13.5 million tons of crap, exactly what the dump held before the bombing. If WM is lucky, the Cascadia event will then wash the new pile of trash away, and they can keep the thing going another 25 years."
Landfill opponents are not amused, but hope that you are! April fool!
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