Waste Management, ginormous Texas-based owner of Riverbend Landfill, has decided to one-up the City of McMinnville and open its own "scenic" shopping mall, atop the garbage dump. The company (now know as "WM," having finally admitted it knows nothing about either waste or management) has given up on expanding the landfill and is seeking other ways to turn a profit at the site.
An upscale shopping mall appears to be WM's ticket to success.
The company has already begun construction on the first phase: an EV-charging station, to be powered by excess methane leaking from the dump. The station will sit at the southwest corner of the property, where WM has recently torn down an old tumble-down house that once served as living quarters for landfill employees.
Explained a company spokesperson, "Riverbend has always produced more methane than we can process at our landfill gas-to-energy plant. In the past, we have just let that excess gas leak into the air--I mean, what harm can a little more methane do to our already ravaged atmosphere? Now we will harness that gas to make electricity to fuel all the Teslas, Rivians, and Ioniq 5s that will soon flood our winery-fixated neighborhoods. What's not to like?"
WM believes those upscale cars will bring shoppers with full pocketbooks to its new Riverbend Shopping Experience. Said the spokesperson, "We don't fear competition from Mac's proposed big box center. We have the better site by far--a gently curving hill overlooking a wide bend in the South Yamhill River. Goats and orchards and of course vineyards wherever you look. Yes, shoppers might occasionally see a raven peck out a sheep's eyes or a falcon carry off a prize-winning pheasant, and they might smell sulfur leaking out with the methane, but that's all part of country living, right?"
When pressed to identify some of the establishments that might open their doors atop the landfill, the spokesperson turned coy. "We can't name names just yet. We need to see what kind of businesses our Commissioners favor. Of course, there will be at least one gun shop."
Like you, we can't wait to go shopping on the dump! Though that may take longer than you might expect, given that this whole idea is just an April Fool's!
